Police Jokes — most viewed jokes

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit."

The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place."

The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line." The guy says, "I can't." The cop says, "Why not?" The guy says, "Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!"

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.

The officer says, "Pull over," and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?"

The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."

The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!"

It was well known that a certain lake was very poor for fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice that one guy kept coming home with his limit of fish on several occations. He asked the guy:
"How is it that you are catching fish out of that lake when no one else can?" The guy replied: "Well I am going back up there tommorow, why don't you come along?" And, so the warden did. They were in the boat when the fisherman reached over and lit a stick of dynamite and then tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There were fish floating to the surface all over! The game warden freaked out, and said: "You can't do that! That's illeagal!" The fisherman reached over and lit another stick and said: "Are you going to fish, or talk?"

An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway. A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled, "Pull over!"

The lady yelled back, "No - mittens!"

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.

The masked man said "Give me all your money!"

Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm the President!" The man then replied,...

"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic. Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion. Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!" The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"

What does a witch do if her broom is stolen?
→ She calls the flying squad!

A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.

As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!" As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing. ''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman?

The lawyer, stunned, began to scream, "My rolex, my brand new rolex!"

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and stops them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony.

He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence."

So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."

The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy.

He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

Where is a tornado put in jail to be punished?
→ In a high pressure cell