Police Jokes — most viewed jokes

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it.

- This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?

- That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!

- Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile.

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde.

- This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?

- Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear! said the second blonde, giggling and flipping her hair.

- What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm... The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer... Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that."

He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it... It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

- Officer: May I see your driver's license?

- Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

- Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

- Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

- Officer: The car is stolen?

- Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

- Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

- Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

- Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

- Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

- Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

- Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

- Captain: Who's car is this?

- Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

- Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

- Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

- Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

- Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

- Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

- Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck. While pumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off, then forgot about it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.

As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the gas on his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was waving his arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.

The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.

What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer?
→ PC Plod.

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight.

- Can I help you? he asked.

- I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it, replied the woman.

- Did you drop it right here?

- No, responded the blonde, I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.

A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question: "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted: "I don't know!"

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde couldn't be happier. "It's my first day on the job, and it went great. I'm already working on a murder case!"

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"