Ouch — most viewed jokes

Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village?
→ Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!

Some good put-downs...ya' never know when you'll need one!

I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.

Are your parents cousins?

Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.

Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back?

Oh my God, look at you! Anyone else hurt in the accident?

What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork?

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

• Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
• I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
• You have an inferiority complex -- and it's fully justified.
• You are not as bad as people say -- you are worse!
• Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
• I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
• Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?
• Take a vacation go to Club Dead.
• Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
• You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
• You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.
• You grow on people -- like a wart!

• Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
• Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
• Failed the Turing test.
• Fell out of the family tree.
• Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
• Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.
• Finds a flat by swapping tires.
• Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
• Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
• Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
• Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
• Flaky.
• Flat out like a lizard drinking.
• Flying/landing on one engine.
• Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
• Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
• Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
• Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
• Forgot to pay his brain bill.
• Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
• Four bits shy of a full DEC.
• Four cents short of a nickel.
• Full of wisdumb.
• Full throttle, dry tank.
• Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)
• Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
• Gears grind/don't always mesh.
• Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin' head!

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

Your head is sooooo bald I mistook you for a green rabbit.

Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?
→ He wanted a balanced meal.

Why did Helen Keller go insane?
→ She tried to read a stucco wall.

• Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.
• I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
• Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
• People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
• Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
• The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
• I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
• When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
• I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
• I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
• I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.
• I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.