Ouch — most viewed jokes

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

• A few guppies short of an aquarium.
• A few inches short of a foot/yard.
• A few kernels short of an ear.
• A few kopeks short of a ruble.
• A few links shy of a chain.
• A few measures short of a staff.
• A few open splices.
• A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
• A few pickles short of a jar.
• A few pies short of a holiday.
• A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.
• A few points short of a polygon.
• A few revisions behind.
• A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.
• A few screws loose.
• A few shrimps short of a barbie.
• A few spoons short of a full set.
• A few straws shy of a bale.
• A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
• A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
• A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
• A few volts below threshold.
• A few yards short of the hole.
• A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
• A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
• A lap behind the field.
• A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
• A looney tune.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "You're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said, "You're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a math teacher."

You're breath's so stinky I don't know whether I should give you a breath mint or toilepaper!

• Calls people to ask them their phone number.
• Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
• Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
• Can easily be confused with facts.
• Can only remember her old passwords.
• Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
• Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
• Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
• Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
• Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
• Carrier wave unmodulated.
• Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
• Cart can't hold all the groceries.
• Cauliflower for brains.
• Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
• Charming as a carbuncle.
• Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
• Cheezwiz for brains.
• Chimney's clogged.
• Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
• Collects cards for Craig.
• Communications with him is limited to ping.
• Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
• Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
• Contributes to the population problem.
• Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
• Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
• Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
• Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs -- without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.

Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. 'I know,' he said, 'how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.'

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, 'Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!'

'Noooooo!,' shrieked the head, 'Not another hat!'

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! - A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" But the bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! - Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! - Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...

"That boy should have quit while he was a head!"

- Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.

- Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!

- Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.

- Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?

- It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.

- And what does your present husband do for a living?

- He's a mortician.

- A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?

- Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...

One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... And four to go!

What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison?
→ One can't see to go, the other can't go to sea.

What do you call a blind German?
→ A Not See (Nazi)