Ouch — most viewed jokes

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

"Mine" says the man.
"My dog has just killed him", she says.

"What breed is your dog?" he asks.
"A Chiuahua", she says.

"How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?"
"He got caught in his throat!!!"

• He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
• He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
• He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.
• He writes blank checks on a closed account.
• He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to
• He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.
• He's a General Protection Fault trigger.
• He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.
• He's diagnosable.
• He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
• He's not stupid he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
• He's so dense, light bends around him.
• He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.
• Hears everything that a dog can.
• Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.
• Her access time approaches infinity.
• Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
• Her blender doesn't go past "mix".
• Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain.
• Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
• Her cache is incoherent.
• Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
• Her dialing thumb must be broken.
• Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
• Her files are compressed 100%.
• Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
• Her input pipe is broken.
• Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
• Her leads need resoldering.

YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.

Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"

"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.

And the cop replied...

"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

- First cannibal: Come and have dinner in our hut tonight.

- Second cannibal: What are you having?

- First cannibal: Hard-boiled legs.

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
→ Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."