Ouch — most viewed jokes

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The general says, "See? That man has balls!"

The marine general says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"

The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"

The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."

Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.

The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"

The admiral says, "That's nothing."

He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"

The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"

The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"

The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"

The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

Why don't blind people skydive?
→ It scares the heck out of the dog.

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out, "Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night."

The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"

The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't look very convinced.

Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.

"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

What is the prudent thing to do when someone has an epileptic seizure in a hot tub?
→ Toss in your laundry.

What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
→ John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.

Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
→ Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"

How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
→ Check the family tree.

A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll...

What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
→ Wood pulp.

New bumper sticker....
"Plant A Tree....
Kill A Kennedy...."

What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?
→ One more bullet.
→ A season lift pass.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

The Hotel Odeon in Paris is offering tourists a 'Diana Tour' - a personal reenactment of Princess Diana's last night alive. For $50 extra you can enjoy the "Land Mind Obstacle Course".

Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
→ So people can read her lips.

What has two legs and bleeds?
→ Half a dog.