Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Men are like shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

How do you confuse a man?
→ You don't - they're born that way.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ No one knows, it's never happened.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.

What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
→ Once, when it was still in the factory.

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said:

- No, I think I can stand over the hole.

So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said:

- grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.

So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
→ So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Why are some married men like candles?
→ Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him:

- Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you.

- Give me the bad news first, Doc. - says the patient.

- I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.

- Oh my god! - the patient cries, breaking into tears.

- But the good news - the doctor adds - is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!