Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you confuse a man?
→ You don't - they're born that way.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Men are like shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
→ So he can tell if he is coming or going.

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."

"Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient.

"I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son."

"Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.

"But the good news," the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?