Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!

Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"

The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever)."

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist says, "And..."

Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but like the others, ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

• You know a man's lying if his lips are moving.
• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
• Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.
• Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
• Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway
• A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
• Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
• Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.
• Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
• If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.
• Sadly, all men are created equal.
• There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

• Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
• You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
• Coffee never runs out.
• No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
• You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
• When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
• Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
• Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
• White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
• Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.
• You can always heat up coffee.
• Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
• If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
• Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.

What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
→ If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
11. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
12. See if they could finally do splits.
13. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
14. Cross their legs without rearranging.
15. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
16. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
17. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
18. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .

1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!

How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
→ They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What Men Know About Women.