Random joke from this category
- Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?
- How about a few pounds of pig manure?
- Will that cure my baldness?
- No, but with that on your head no one will come near enough to notice you're bald.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
→ He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
→ We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
Why is food better than men?
→ Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
You've all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:
(No offense ladies - just enjoy it for what it's worth)
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: "PRICELESS!"
There are some things that money can't buy.
For everything else, there's MasterCard.
Things you'll never hear a man say:
After a hot, hard day's work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.
The bartender replied "There's one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis."
Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said "I named mine Nike...like you know...just go for it!"
So he thought about it for a few minutes then said "I got one... Secret." The bartender said "Why Secret?" Joe said "Well...it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY
Pity us men.........
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
I'm really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!
Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!
But I'm really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!' What a gal I married!
And for everyone that's still single, some notes on marriage......
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering....
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?...
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss....
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence....
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license....
Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!
