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Confucious say: "Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand."

Some of the myths about marriage...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"

Technology for the Country Folk

What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the Oregon-California border.

• LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
• LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
• MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
• DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
• MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
• FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
• RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
• HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
• PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
• WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
• SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
• BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
• MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
• MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
• DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
• LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
• KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
• SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
• MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
• MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
• PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
• ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
• RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks
• MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
→ Put the remote control between his toes.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
→ A mental hospital.

How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?
→ With a crowbar.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

How do most men define marriage?
→ A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
→ Just when it's getting interesting they are finished until next time...

What is a man's idea of protected sex?
→ A padded headboard.