Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Which of the following doesn't belong?

• (a) meat
• (b) eggs
• (c) wife
• (d) blow job

(D) A blowjob, because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."

The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.

After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what's been going on since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally asked "How is she in bed?" First guy replies "She's fantastic, she sucks like a real man!"

Three guys are discussing women.

"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass."

He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."