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THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

• You make the bed...+1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
• You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5
• But return with beer ...-5
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
• You pummel it with a six iron....+10
• It's her father...-10
• You leave the toilet seat up...-5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

• You stay by her side the entire party...0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
• Named Tiffany...-4
• Tiffany is a dancer...-6
• Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY

• You take her out to dinner...0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
• Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS

• You forget her birthday completely...-20
• You forget your anniversary...-30
• You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

• Go out with a pal ...-5
• And the pal is happily married ...-4
• Or frighteningly single ...-7
• And he drives a Mustang...-10
• With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
• You have a few beers...-9
• And miss curfew by an hour...-12
• You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
• You get home at 3am...-30
• You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...-40
• And not wearing any pants...-50
• Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT

• You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...+5
• She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10
• You wait up...+15
• She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT

• You take her to a movie...+2
• You take her to a movie she likes...+4
• You take her to a movie you hate...+6
• You take her to a movie you like...-2
• It's called DeathCop3...-3
• Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS

• You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0
• You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20
• You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30
• And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE

• You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
• You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES

• You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
• Something she can't use...+10
• Such as a motorized model airplane...-20
• And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING

• You let her tell you how to drive...+20
• You let her mother tell you how to drive...+40
• You lost the directions on a trip...-4
• You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
• You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15
• You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
• You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION

• She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
• You hesitate in responding...-10
• You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20

1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.
2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.
3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.
4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)
5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)
6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.
7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.
8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.
9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.
10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.
11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.
12. The most important factor--out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.

How are men like UFOs?
→ You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
→ In real life, men aren't affectionate in bed.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

More gay banter...

Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they starteddiscussing them.

The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owneda factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave hisbest friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The second man said his son was doing just as well.

He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The third man said his was doing well too.

He was a manager at a bank.

Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.

The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much.

But he must be doing something right because,just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

What does a man and a floor have in common?
→ You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever!!

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
3. It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
4. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
5. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
6. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
7. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres
26. Release hand brake

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison.

"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' " he admitted.