Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?

1. Get away or I'll call the police!!!
2. I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

Advice From Men To Women...

• Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...
• If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....
• Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....
• Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....
• Please don't drive when you're not driving....
• Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....
• The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...
• When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

Reasons why it's great to be a guy

• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• Monday Night Football.
• Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
• Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
• When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
• A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
• Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
• You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
• You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
• Your last name stays put.
• You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
• When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
• You can kill your own food.
• The garage is all yours.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
• You never have to clean the toilet.
• You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
• The National College Cheerleading Championship
• None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
• Flowers fix everything.
• You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
• You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
• Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
• You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
• You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
• Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
• You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
• You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
• You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
• You get to jump up and slap stuff.
• One mood, all the time.
• You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
• You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
• Same work....more pay.
• Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
• Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
• You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
• You don't mooch off others' desserts.
• The remote is yours and yours alone.
• People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
• ESPN's sports center.
• You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
• You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
• You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
• If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
• Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
• Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
• If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
• Baywatch
• There is always a game on somewhere.

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
→ Gifted!

But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know - it's never happened.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What men know about women!

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.

What do men dream of?
→ Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered about.

Where can I find the man of my dreams?
→ This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

How do I know if I found Mr Right?
→ Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Do men like aggresive virgins?
→ Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

What if a man's married?
→ Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.

But what if I fall in love with a married man?
→ This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

What is "afterplay"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

What about the orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Are you sure?
→ Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

• You make the bed...+1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
• You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5
• But return with beer ...-5
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
• You pummel it with a six iron....+10
• It's her father...-10
• You leave the toilet seat up...-5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

• You stay by her side the entire party...0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
• Named Tiffany...-4
• Tiffany is a dancer...-6
• Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY

• You take her out to dinner...0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
• Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS

• You forget her birthday completely...-20
• You forget your anniversary...-30
• You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

• Go out with a pal ...-5
• And the pal is happily married ...-4
• Or frighteningly single ...-7
• And he drives a Mustang...-10
• With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
• You have a few beers...-9
• And miss curfew by an hour...-12
• You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
• You get home at 3am...-30
• You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...-40
• And not wearing any pants...-50
• Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT

• You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...+5
• She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10
• You wait up...+15
• She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT

• You take her to a movie...+2
• You take her to a movie she likes...+4
• You take her to a movie you hate...+6
• You take her to a movie you like...-2
• It's called DeathCop3...-3
• Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS

• You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0
• You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20
• You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30
• And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE

• You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
• You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES

• You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
• Something she can't use...+10
• Such as a motorized model airplane...-20
• And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING

• You let her tell you how to drive...+20
• You let her mother tell you how to drive...+40
• You lost the directions on a trip...-4
• You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
• You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15
• You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
• You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION

• She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
• You hesitate in responding...-10
• You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20