Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
→ Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do men name their penises?
→ Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
9. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
10. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
11. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
12. You, The Weaker Sex
13. Reasons To Give Flowers
14. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
15. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
16. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
17. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
18. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
19. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
20. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
21. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
22. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
23. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
24. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
25. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
26. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
27. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
3. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
4. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
5. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
6. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
7. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
8. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
9. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
10. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
11. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
13. You, The Whining Sex
14. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
15. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
16. How To Close The Garage Door
17. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
18. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
19. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
20. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
21. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
22. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
23. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
24. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
25. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
26. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
27. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
28. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
29. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
→ E.T. phoned home!

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.

The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips off all her clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man "make me feel like a woman again!"

So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and says "pick that up, bitch."

What is a macho man?
→ After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, 'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"