Medicine — most viewed jokes

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
→ There's a 12-month waiting list.

- Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?

- Yes - here's a kite!

The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline "United States"

"Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer

Washington - Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because [...]U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries."

Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly." he said.

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please."

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!"

To which the guy replies, "Make it 100."

A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!"

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

- Patient: I'm really depressed.

- Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.

- Patient: Nothing is going well.

- Therapist: Nothing well.

- Patient: I feel like killing myself.

- Therapist: You're thinking of killing yourself.

- Patient: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.

- Therapist: You want to do it now.

- Patient: [Jumps out window.]

- Therapist: Woosh. Splat.

- Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.

- Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

What bee is good for your health?
→ Vitamin bee!

- Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

- No need for that. You will find that in your bill.