Medicine — most viewed jokes

How many Histrionic P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ "You want me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You don't love me anymore!"

What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists office?
→ An encownter group.

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."

An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."

The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."

The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"

- Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.

- What's come over you?

- Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

- Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.

- You do look a little pail.

An avid line dancing couple go to the doctor for a check up because they are having trouble remembering anything but, all the latest line dances. The doctor finds them in excellent health (of course), but suggests that writing things down may help their memories off the dance floor. That night the husband gets up to go the kitchen and the wife asks for a dish of ice cream, suggesting that maybe he write it down. He says "I don't need to write it down"

She says "Well I want Strawberries on it, so maybe you better write it down" "I don't need to write it down" He says and walks off in a huff. Twenty minutes later he comes back with a plate of bacon and eggs.

"I told you to write it down" she says, "You forgot my toast".

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

"What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse exclaimed.

"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother replied.

"You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby."

"You don't understand," the woman said and frowned. "My baby already has a FIRST name!"

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A blonde gets her first period, so she goes to the drugstore to get some pads. The wide selection and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help.

"What kind of pads should I get?" she says. "This is all new to me."

"Well," says the clerk, "that depends on the flow."

She says, "It's ceramic tile."

The top 10 signs your dentist is crazy:

• Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
• His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders".
• Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
• Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
• He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
• Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
• When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
• Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
• Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
• Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.