Medicine — most viewed jokes

What do you give a sick bird?
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- Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen

- Well sit down and write your name!

- Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

- I never make rash promises!

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as available in men's rooms everywhere.

In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing the following drugs intended primarily for women:

NagAgra - Causes Women not to nag their spouse.

HonydewAgra - Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance instead of just writing things down.

InformAgra - Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they have made that involve said spouse.

Butt-outAgra - Causes women not to pry into the personal lives of others and mind their own business.

PersonalAgra - Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with aquaintances of their spouse

SportAgra - Makes women understand the male need for consuming large quantities of fermented beverages while watching contact sports.

Cindi CrawfordAgra - Need I say more?

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds...

"Well of course I don't."

"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic syphilis, Sir!

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front lines, Sir!

- Good man!

He goes to the next bed.

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic piles, Sir!

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front lines, Sir!

- Good man!

He goes to the next bed.

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic gum disease, Sir!

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

- What's your ambition?

- To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge

- What's come over you?

- Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog

- What's wrong with that

- I think I'm going to croak

- Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...

- What's wrong with them?

- They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
→ Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
→ Have sex once a year.

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
→ For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
→ With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
→ Depends on what you're doing with them.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
→ Cause you're fatter then they are.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
→ So what's your question, dork?

Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
→ No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
→ Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
→ Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
→ Yes, baby lips.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
→ Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

What causes baby blues?
→ Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.