Medicine — most viewed jokes

- Patient: The trouble is, doctor, I keep pulling ugly faces.

- Doctor: Don't worry, I don't expect anyone will notice.

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry, "Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?"

Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, "Sam, I'm really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

What game do you play if you don't take care of your teeth?
→ Tooth (truth) or Consequences.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

"Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival.
"How did you get here?" he asked.
And the new angel replied, "Flu..."

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
• Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie
• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
• Damn, there go the lights again...
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em."
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
• What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
• Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
• Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.
• What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
• She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

What do you give a sick pig?
→ Oinkment!

- Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

- Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?

- Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.