Medicine — most viewed jokes

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a blonde's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease."
"Crueller than cancer?" his friend asked.
"You bet," the first codger replied, "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked, "I don't mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?"

The guys with no arms replied, "Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?"

The other guys reluctantly says, "sure".

The guy with no arms says, "I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.

Would you mind?"

The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said, "Sure, I guess".

When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it. The man preceded to help the man out. When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him, "I don't mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?"

The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt, "I don't know but I sure as hell ain't touching it!"

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!"

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!... You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!"

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

- Chronic syphilis, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

"Good man," said the Major.

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

- Chronic piles, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

"Good man," barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

- Chronic gum disease, Sir

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."