Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
→ His wife is good at picking out clothes!

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals:

- Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!!!

Finally a store clerk approached.

- Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.

- Oh - replied the old guy - I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife.

- Your wife is named Crisco?

- Nah - he answered - I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.

- Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

- Lard Ass!

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him:

- Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?

- Not at all, Ma'am - the manager replied.

- It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. - Helen Rowland
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. - Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what does that mean?
→ Her chain is to long!

My wife and I have an agreement that works... She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.

I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.

This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting:

- honey I am home!

What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.

Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing.

- Don't laugh! - he screams.

- You're next!

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

- What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.? - said the officer.

- I'm going to a lecture. - the man said.

- And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? - the cop asked.

- My wife. - said the man.

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says:

- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

- The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.

Harry says:

- My God!... What's the good news?

The doctor says:

- I'm kidding. She's dead!

A man was complaining to a friend:

- I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!

- What happened? - asked the friend.

- My wife found out...