Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

One blond says to another:

- How did you die?

- I froze to death - says the second.

- That's awful - says the first blonde.

- How does it feel to freeze to death?

- It's very uncomfortable at first - says the second blonde.

- You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?

- I had a heart attack - says the first blonde.

- You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.

The second blonde shakes her head:

- What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have:

• 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95
• and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

Simple...

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

17. "I finished the Oreo's."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

- How awful! - exclaimed the wife.

- Si, but what a great way to spend eternity. - added the husband.

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child:

- Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

Then he gave her a stern look and asked:

- Have you been fooling around on me?!

The wife just smiled sweetly and said:

- Not this time.

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

First draw the curve, then plot the data.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

- I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.

- My Billy used to do the same thing, the older woman replied. But I broke him of the habit.

- How?

- I hid his teeth.

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

The wife said:

- Why don't you do that?

Her husband replied:

- Honey, I don't even know that woman!