Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:

- You really are amazing. How do you do it?

He again said:

- You've got to keep the old motor running.

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:

- You must be quite a man.

He responded:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The nurse then said:

- Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked:

- What's wrong?

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst:

- I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked:

- What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice:

- This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!"

- Oh my God, - the other golfers said; - That must have been horrible!

- Horrible? You think it's horrible?

Bob cried in disbelief:

- It was worse than that!!!! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...

- Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.

- Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

- Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.

- Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

- Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice:

- Yes.

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed:

- I thought we had a deal.

The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back:

- She made me a much better offer.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

- There's no way they can catch a Mercedes, - he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

- What the heck am I doing? - he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said:

- I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply.

- Last week my wife ran off with a cop, - he said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

- Off you go, - said the officer.

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

- Don't move! You're a statue!

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says:

- Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!

- Were you in Paris on your vacation?

- I don't know, my wife got the tickets.

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender:

- I have to go home or the wife will be mad.

(at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said:

- I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says:

- I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said:

- you were out drinking again last night weren't you!

The man replied with:

- NO WAY!

And the wife said:

- YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night!

This newly wed couple were on their honey moon and were about to have sex:

- Wife: Before we do this I have something I have to tell u.

- Husband: We're married now, u can tell me anything.

- Wife: I'm flat chested.

- Husband: I don't believe u.. prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

- Husband: Holy shit I never seen a smaller chest, but I have something I have to tell u too.

- Wife: We're married now u can tell me anything.

- Husband: I'm "weighed like a baby".

- Wife: I don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

- Wife: I thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

- Husband: I am 6lbs 7ounces!