Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses.

The blonde says to the redhead:

- isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?

The redhead says, yes it is.

The blonde responds by saying:

- Oh you are so lucky.

The redhead says:

- No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart.

The blonde says:

- Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in?

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says:

- I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

- Pop, what are you talking about? - the son screams.

- We can't stand the sight of each other any longer - the old man says:

- We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her, and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone:

- Like hell they're getting divorced - she shouts:

- I'll take care of this. She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man:

- You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife:

- Okay - he says:

- they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

- No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

- Hello, I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold? - she said.

To which she heard the bartender say:

- Hey, Clarence, - I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says:

- I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said:

- You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?

And the man replied:

- I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.

Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
→ Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:

- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says:

- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?

He replies:

- You didn't use what I got you last year!

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says:

- I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said:

- You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!

Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said:

- I don't know. My wife told me to stand here.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman:

- We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal.

The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.

The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table:

- Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her.

The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face:

- I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!

The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.

They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else.

- I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy - he replies.

The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table:

- Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife - FBI agent says, calmly.

The man than replies:

- I can't do that, although we have our problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three kids...she's just too important.

The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn't FBI material.

Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room.

Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.

- What did you do?

The man calmly replies:

- The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart.

She looked up and said:

- Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!