Random joke from this category
- And will there be anything else, sir? - the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
- No thank you - the gentleman replied. - That will be all.
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
- Anything for your wife? - he asked.
- Yeah! That's a good idea - the fellow said. - Please bring up a postcard.
One day a boy approached his mother with a question:
- Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?
His mother, very surprised, replies:
- Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight.
The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...:
- Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said:
- You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?
- What dear? - She asked gently.
- I think you bring me bad luck.
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.
Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2.1, squash 3.01 and boys out 1.2. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Wife 1.0 will then spawn off the virus Lawyer 6.66 which, when activated, consumes all available resources and brings your system to it's knees. The funny thing is, if you try to hide Mistress 1.1 in high memory, Wife 1.0 will eventually detect it and begin the process described above.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:
- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
- Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.
A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says:
- So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?
She says:
- Bernie, I want a divorce. He says:
- I wasn't planning on spending that much.
On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.
A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.
Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked:
- But where is your husband?
- Jim? - the haggard woman said.
- Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!
What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
→ Outlaws are wanted! or You can shoot outlaws!
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
- Excuse me, - our man stammered, but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.
- Yeah? So? - his hulking neighbor replied.
- Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
- OK, - the husband says gruffly, for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits.
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
- Well, come on already, kiss 'em! - he growls.
- I can't - replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
- Why not? - demands the husband, getting really angry now.
- I don't have ten thousand dollars!
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
→ You can park in handicapped zones.
