Random joke from this category
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.
"Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
→ You marry him!
Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men".
He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.
The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, "Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?"
The smallish fellow replied, "I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here."
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.
They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.
The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!"
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!
- Wife: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.
- Husband: Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous.
- Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.
- Husband: You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
- Wife: In the pool.
Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
→ Not if you are the groom.
How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
→ At least one within a week of the wedding.
What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
→ Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
