Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms.
Now I catch her in my pockets.

A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!

- Income tax examiner: What's your husband's average income?

- Wife: Oh, about midnight.

James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question. "Not at all, go right ahead," she replied.

"Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?"

"I just can't tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much."

"I'll be fine. Now that we're divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can't hurt me too much."

"Well, if it's that important to you...

Jimmy is your child."

- Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

- Hubby: It's not my fault... I ran out of money!

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....

Whats the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 10 years, the job still sucks.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"

- First guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!

- Second guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.

What does SWM stand for in a personal column advertisement?
→ Sneaking While Married

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
→ Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"