Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.

"Dad," says the son, "what do I do tonight? I'm very nervous."

"Don't worry," comforts the father. "It's all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees."

So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!

A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said, "When I solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have married you."

"Faith, I thought as much," said the cunning lady, "but as I had been cheated two or three times before, I was determined not to be fool'd again!"

Sign seen on the back of a truck:

Driver carries no money, his wife has it!

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
→ Two mother-in-law's!

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.

The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"

I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.

When I pointed this out to her, she said, "I know, I married the wrong man."

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

- Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?

- Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...

- Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.

- Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.

- Three? When were they?

- Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?

- Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?

- Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?

- I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?

- Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"Batted .007," his wife added.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk.

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I want the traditional service."