Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
→ Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough.
If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning!"

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't like the looks of your husband," he said.

"Neither do I," said the wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."

"Before I married my wife," a husband once said, "it was nothing but wine, women, and song.

Now that I'm her husband, it's beer, mama, and TV."

A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary, "What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?"

He replied, "I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear."

She asked, "And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?"

"I think I did a damn good job!"

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.

"You rotten bastard!" yelled the husband... "I'm going to kill you!"

"Wait!" said Mrs. Jones. "You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me. And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's? Well, he gave it to me. And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me."

After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims...

"For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here. Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride?" he asked.

"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
→ They are four ways you can lose your house!

Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?
→ Because they are murmurs of the tied.