Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and they go to the fridge.

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.

Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

Wifespeak / Translation

• You want: You want
• We need: I want
• It's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want: You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk: I need to complain
• Sure...go ahead: I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron.
• You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?
• I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period.
• Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.
• I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper....
• I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
• Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me?: I did something today you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
• Is my butt fat?: Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]
• Yes: No
• No: No
• Maybe: No
• I'm sorry: You'll be sorry.
• Do you like this recipe?: It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
• Was that the baby?: Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
• I'm not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
• All we're going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god, there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

• The same old thing.: Nothing.
• Nothing.: Everything.
• Everything: My PMS is acting up.
• Nothing, really.: It's just that you're such an asshole..
• I don't want to talk about it.: Go away, I'm still building up steam.

Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The wife simply sighed and replied, "Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn't really notice."

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.

"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied.

"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress." the daughter-in-law replied.

"LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law

"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law.

"I would appreciate it if you left now because my husband will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued.

Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea.

She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.

"Maybe you should iron it." he replied.

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.

The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."