Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?
→ He liked to chop and change!

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said "White".

The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, "Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?"

The woman replied, "I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him..."

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
→ Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
→ Have sex once a year.

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
→ For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
→ With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
→ Depends on what you're doing with them.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
→ Cause you're fatter then they are.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
→ So what's your question, dork?

Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
→ No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
→ Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
→ Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
→ Yes, baby lips.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
→ Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

What causes baby blues?
→ Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

"You know what?"

"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!

How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
→ He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
→ Marriage.

How do you Scare a Man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
→ Exchange him.

What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
→ A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

How do you get a man to exercise?
→ Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know. It's never happened.

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.

What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.

Men are like vacations....
→ they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers....
→ hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers....
→ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like horoscopes....
→ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers....
→ they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like laxatives....
→ they irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like parking spots....
→ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why are men like lawnmowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.

Why are men like tile floors?
→ If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.

Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
→ "How come?"

What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
→ They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
→ S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
→ Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
→ The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
→ A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
→ There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
→ If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
→ Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
→ A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
→ One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One ... Men will screw anything.

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.

"You rotten bastard!" yelled the husband... "I'm going to kill you!"

"Wait!" said Mrs. Jones. "You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me. And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's? Well, he gave it to me. And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me."

After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims...

"For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here. Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"