Random joke from this category
I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon?"
"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the numbers!"
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.
A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said... "Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?"
An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.
The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.
"Well.." she said "each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box"
"And what about the thousand pound?" asked the old man.
"Well..." Replies the woman "Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them"
What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day?
→ A forty-carrot wedding ring.
What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
→ Shoot him again.
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
- Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career?
- No, I think she should put down the lid as a favor.
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
