Random joke from this category
A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.
The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her:
- Why are you dressed up in black?
The woman replied:
- Well, that's because I'm not a virgin.
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.
Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:
- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.
A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked:
- What on earth are you doing?!?!!
The wife turned to the other man and replied:
- See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.
- For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while? - Julie whined.
- What? - Chris replied.
- Look around! - Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room.
- Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!
- I'm sorry, honey - Chris said.
- Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me! - Julie exclaimed.
- Hmmmm - Chris mumbled:
- that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.
One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one:
- My wife - the man replied.
- I'm sorry - said Dave.
- What happened to her?
- My dog bit her and she died.
Dave was taken aback.
- And who's in the second hearse?
- My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well.
Dave asked:
- Can I borrow your dog?
- Get in line.
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
- Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?
- It's OK - he answers.
- I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.
- Well, then - she replies.
- I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?
- So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain:
- And how's your sex life....
- Infrequently - he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking:
- And is that one word or two?
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced:
- Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
- Yes? - replied the teacher.
- Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said:
- Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.
- Certainly, honey - he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise:
- Say - said the druggist - I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?
- Yeah, so? - said the officer.
- Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?
A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks, he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wife sneered in reply:
- Over my dead body!
He downed his drink and replied:
- Well, I see you haven't changed one little bit.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
