Random joke from this category
One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked:
- If I died, would you remarry?
Peter thought for a second then said:
- Yeah I guess I would.
Then his the wife asked:
- well would you have her as your golfing partner?
Peter replied:
- yep I probably would do that too.
- But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?! - she cried.
Peter looked at her and said:
- Nah, shes left handed.
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.
- I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble - offered the friend.
- Did Mike leave you well fixed?
- Oh, he did! - she said.
- He left me almost a half million dollars.
- Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write.
- Nor swim either - added the widow.
Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.
My other wife is beautiful.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.
Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.
One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Say to the groom:
- Your bride will now expect a mink.
Then to the bride:
- You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Sign in a marriage counselor's window:
- Out To Lunch, Think It Over.
Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.
Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.
Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.
Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.
Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.
Take heed from those who know
Tie you nightie to your toes
Close your eyes, hold your nose
Then see how it goes...
The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.
The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
How did the telephones get married?
→ In a double ring ceremony!
- First cannibal: My wife's a tough old bird.
- Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another half an hour.
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
→ Married.
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
- John: I'm a man of few words.
- Bill: I'm married, too.
A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.
So his wife says:
- What happened to you?
The man says:
- When I was young, I had the kneesles.
He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.
- Hmmm, well what happened to your feet? - inquires the wife.
- When I was a young boy, I had tolio.
So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies:
- Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:
- Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.
- You mean a brand-new Cadillac? - she asked eagerly.
- No - said the husband - a 1979 Cadillac.
