Random joke from this category
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"
The farmer goes to town one day and happens to run into his old pal the tractor salesman.
- How's business? - asks the farmer.
- Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in months. How are things on the farm? - asked the salesman.
- Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I have. I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied her tail to the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked me with her left leg so I tied that to the left side of the stall. I started milking again and she kicked me with her right leg so I tied that one to the right side of the stall. About that time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can convince her that I was just trying to milk that damn cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!!
- Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? - asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
- Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much - answered the equally wasted gent.
- Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!
The husband returns home one day and tells his wife:
- Hi honey, look, I've bought the new Rolling Stones CD.
- Why did you do that?! We don't even have a CD player! - replied the wife..
- So what... have I ever asked why you keep on buying bras?
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question:
- Mom, why are wedding dresses white?
The mother looks at her son and replies:
- Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father:
- Dad why are wedding dresses white?
The father looks at his son in surprise and says...:
- Son, all household appliances come in white!
A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist:
- Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.
- But you are not wearing any of those things.
- I know - she said.
- It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry.
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said:
- Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary.
Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned:
- OH? Really? Were you???
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him:
- Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying:
- She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!
A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set.
- One dollar - the clerk replied.
- You've got to be kidding.
- Look, Mac - the clerk said - do you want it or not?
Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker.
- How much for that? - he asked the clerk.
- Fifty cents - came the reply.
The customer forked over the half dollar, saying:
- What the heck is going on here?
- Nothing is goining on here - the clerk snapped.
- But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business.
- Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy.
- I won't come in your mouth, I promise.
- I'm not really married.
- It's only a cold sore.
- Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality.
- Size isn't important.
- This won't hurt, I promise.
- We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other.
- We'll always be together.
- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
- A man in the house is worth two in the street.
- A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
- All the good ones are taken.
- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
- Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
- Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
- Do it only with the best.
- Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
- Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
- Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
- If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
- If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
- If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).
- If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
- If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
- If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
- It is always the wrong time of month.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
- It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
- Love comes in spurts.
- Love is a hole in the heart.
- Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
- Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
- Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
- Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
- Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
- Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
- Never say no.
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
- Nice guys finish last.
- No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
- No sex with anyone in the same office.
- Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
- Nothing improves with age.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
- Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
- Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
- Sex has no calories.
- Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
- Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
- Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
- Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
- Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
- The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
- The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
- The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
- The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
- The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
- The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
- The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
- The younger the better.
- There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
- There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
- There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
- Virginity can be cured.
- What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
- When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
- When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
- You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
- You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
