Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

- OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me - and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

- Husband: What the hell are you doing here!

- Repairman: Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!

Ruby Alice walked up to the desk of a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter "O."

- Why'd you put that circle down? - asked the clerk.

- Cause Ah can't write - replied the girl.

- Why don't you sign with an 'X'? - asked the man.

- Ah used to - she answered:

- But when Ah got me a divorce, Ah took back mah maiden name!

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

- William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?

- Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.

- Wow, fifty dollars! - exclaimed the bride.

- the monks only used to give us an apple...

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife:

- Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

She hesitated a while and said:

- Yes, 3 times.

- Three times!? how did it happen? - he asks.

"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, that was really a terrible time."

"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?"

- It is hard to believe - he said, but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.

She continued:

- And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?

"Of course I remember."

"Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?"

- Yes - he said, that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But tell me, what was the third time?

She responded:

- Do you remember when you ran for Temple president...and needed 23 more votes?

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildo in his hands.

Sue yelled:

- You impatient fucker! You lying son of a...

Bob stopped her and said:

- I'm a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow.

- How old was your husband? - he asked.

- He was ninety-eight - she answered softly:

- Two years older than I am.

- Really? - the undertaker said:

- Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said:

- My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said:

- Okay, where's my hundred dollars?

The man said:

- Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said:

- Just my luck. How much do I owe you?

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says:

- Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies:

- I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

- Hurry! - she said:

- stand in the corner.

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

- Don't move until I tell you to - she whispered.

- Just pretend you're a statue.

- What's this, honey? - the husband inquired as he entered the room.

- Oh, it's just a statue - she replied nonchalantly.

- The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

- Here - he said to the 'statue':

- eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.