Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
→ His lips start moving.

- Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

- Defendant: No, I did not.

- Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

- Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

Alimony:

1. A contraction of the term "all-his-money".
2. A splitting headache.
3. It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
4. Paying for something you don't get.
5. That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.
6. The high cost of leaving.
7. The last laugh.
8. The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.
9. Buying oats for a runaway horse.
10. A woman's cash surrender value.
11. The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
→ A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
→ Skeet.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
→ Because it scares the dog.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
→ Quatro sinko.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
→ Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
→ Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
→ Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS

372.01 - Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.

372.03 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

372.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.

372.05 - It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash!", "Ambulance!", or "Free Scotch!" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

372.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

372.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. No fair, that's their stompin' grounds!

372.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.

372.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

372.10 - Bag Limits Per Day

• Yellow Bellied Sidewinders - 2
• Two-faced Tortfeasors - 1
• Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators - 3
• Horn Rimmed Cut-throats - 2
• Honest Attorneys (ENDANGERED SPECIES)

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
→ Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

- Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

- Witness: She is my daughter.

- Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.
"So, did you do it?" his lawyer asked.
"Of course not," the old man replied. "But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty."

Mr. Schneider stood up in court.
"As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money."

Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."