Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

How is a judge like an English teacher?
→ They both hand out long sentences.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"

What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'?
→ I've been flamed!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's.

A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.

He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. "Sorry," said the President, "but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes."

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
→ New Jersey had first choice.

A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

- Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?

- Witness: Yes

- Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?

- Witness: Oral.

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. . . "