Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

- Did you actually see the accident?

- Yes, sir.

- How far away were you when the accident happened?

- Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.

- (thinking he'd trap the witness) Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?

- Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

- May I help you?

- Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.

- Well do you have any grounds?

- Yea, I got about a hundred acres.

- No, you don't understand, do you have a case?

- No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.

- I mean, do you have a grudge?

- Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.

- No sir, I mean do you have a suit?

- Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays.

- Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?

- No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning.

- Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?

- No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce.

Important Legal

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?
→ Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.

The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble. I'm a lawyer!"

The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."

Miss DeAngelo was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star.
She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward.
"Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?"
"Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff, "but I couldn't help it."
"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "How's that?"
"Mr. Evans deceived me."
"Exactly what do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was his wife."

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!

In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."