Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this:

Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
→ No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Officer, who provided this description?
→ The officer who responded to the scene.

A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
→ Yes sir, with my life.

WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
→ Yes sir, we do.

And do you have a locker in that room?
→ Yes sir, I do.

And do you have a lock on your locker?
→ Yes sir.

Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
→ You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
→ You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
→ I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
→ Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.

The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name.

One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:

- Defendant: Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.

- Judge: Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?

- Defendant: No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors.

"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers."

"Well," replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

Top things you should not say to a judge:

• "I got your community service right here pal!"
• "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
• "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
• "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
• "No you robe wearing geek."
• "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
• "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
→ Never enough.

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!"

- Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?

- Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't.