Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.

"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"

In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender.

On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.

In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500.

Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: and, before the accident? A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a cult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

How many times have you committed suicide?

She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wifeQ: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously.

"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park.

- The witness: They were fucking, your honor.

- The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Shakespearean way?

- The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear / Until tiny sounds came to my ear / There was this couple on the ground there / and his balls were dangling in the air / and you know his what was in her you know where / If that wasn't fucking, your Honor, I wasn't there.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce."
The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
"My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren't funny - unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. What happened then?
   → He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
   Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself.
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
   → That's me.
   Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    → By death.
    And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    → I'll be three months on November 8.
    Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
    → Yes.
    What were you doing at that time?
13. Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    → I used to be.
    How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. She had three children, right?
    → Yes.
    How many were boys?
    → None.
    Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    → Yes.
    And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Have you lived in this town all your life?
    → Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
    → It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so?
    → No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!