Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Caterpillar

- Caterpillar who?

- Caterpillar a few mice for you!

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M.

The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines, "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn"

- Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does!

- What does it do?

- It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare!

- What?

- Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!" and keeps on barking!

My Years in a Lunatic Asylum by I. M. Nutty

How do barmen surf the web?
→ On the Gin-ternet.

WHY? ......

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?"

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alda!

- Alda who?

- Alda time you knew who it was!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aldo!

- Aldo who?

- Aldo anywhere with you!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aida!

- Aida who?

- Aida lot of sweets and now I've got tummy ache!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Al!

- Al who?

- Al give you a kiss if you open this door!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Adelia!

- Adelia who?

- Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!

Can you spell a composition with two letters?
→ SA (essay).

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Crete

- Crete who?

- Crete to see you again!