Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

Nowe u two can rite gud!

Howe two rite gud
Frank L. Visco
Vice-president and Senior Copywriter at US Advertising.

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

• Avoid alliteration. Always.
• Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
• Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
• Employ the vernacular.
• Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
• Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
• It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
• Contractions aren't necessary.
• Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
• One should never generalize.
• Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
• Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
• Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
• Profanity sucks dick.
• Be more or less specific.
• Understatement is always best.
• Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
• One-word sentences? Never.
• Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
• The passive voice is to be avoided.
• Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
• Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
• Who needs rhetorical questions?
• Be careful to use apostrophe's correctly.
• Do not use them pronouns as modifiers.
• And never start a sentence with a conjunction.

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

- MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today?

- FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink!

- SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink!

- THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof!

- MOTHER PIG: What?

- THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking a foreign language.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Chrysalis

- Chrysalis who?

- Chrysalis the cake for you!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Armenia

- Armenia who?

- Armenia every word I say!

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

An Ancient Greek man walks into a tailor and holds up a torn tunic.

- Tailor: Euripides? (You-rip-e-dees)

- Man: Eumenedes?? (You-men-e-dees)

(Say it quickly, it works!)

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?

If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."

"N, eh."
"D, eh." And that's how they named Canada...

Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear.

The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, it is pronounced 'Mariposa', a beautiful sounding word."

The French man says, "True, but Papillion, the French word for butterfly, is even more beautiful."

"What's wrong with Schmetterlink," asks the German?