Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did the kid put his clock in the oven?
→ He wanted to have a hot time.

Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
→ Because they can't dress themselves.

How do you get a paper baby?
→ Marry an old bag.

What do baby pythons play with?
→ Rattle-snakes.

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

- No laundry - the boy said.

- I'm going to wash my dog.

- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

- Oh, he died - the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added:

- I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.

The boy replied:

- I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.

- Oh, What was it then?

- I think it was the spin cycle!

Mom's Brownies Recipe...

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr:

- no, no.

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

• 1 cup sugar
• 1 oz unsweetened chocolate
• 1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
→ Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked:

- Son what happened?

- I jumped in that creek down the road.

- Why did you do that?

- I dunno.

His dad was very angry and said:

- If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?

- Yes dad - replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked:

- Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?

- Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!

His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him:

- Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus'.

- Ok dad - replied the son.

Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said:

- I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!

- I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!

Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin?
→ Because his life is at stake.

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks.

- Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!