Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aaron

- Aaron who?

- Aaron the barber's floor!

Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?
→ Because the batteries died.

The teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not get recess. The first kid said "Uh, 14?" "No," the teacher said. The second kid said "3.8" "Not quite" the teacher said. Finally the third kid said "That's easy, 4" "Yes, you all get recess now". At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said "It's all about the Kidneys!" as he pointed to his head.

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Do robots have sisters?
→ No, just transistors!

Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:

Dear GOD:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane

Dear GOD:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear GOD:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey

Dear GOD:
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear GOD:
I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison

Dear GOD:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy

Dear GOD:
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita

Dear GOD:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD:
Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD:
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear GOD:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD:
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD:
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD:
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton - because I hate her. - Denise

Dear GOD:
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael

Dear GOD:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD:
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean

Dear GOD:
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.

Dear GOD:
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott

Dear GOD:
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. - Rob

Dear GOD:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha

Dear GOD:
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris

Dear GOD:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie

Dear GOD:
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles

Dear GOD:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene

My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get."

I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about.

"If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!

You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way.

This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank).....

I want you to go find something for me to spank you with.

Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!

"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.

What were you thinking of? "Well, I..." DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING.

Mom, can I... [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom... [Interrupting] NO!

Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!

Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?

Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own! You're in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:00, your grounded! Flush the toilet and wash your hands! Because I SAID so! Just because, that's why. You're grounded. Just do it, or else.

Eat it, or you can leave the table. (OK! I'm outta here!!!!!) Variation: "Eat it, or you'll go without" (Sounds good to me!)

If you lose that, I'm taking it away from you!

(at dinner): "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" Variation: You don't have to like it ... you have to eat it!

Look, your father and I are eating it... This after having many times said, "If you friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?

"Where were you, you were supposed to be home hours ago??? - I da know........ Well you must know. What were you doing??? - Nothing......

You'll spoil your dinner eating that candy - better than spoiling the candy by eating dinner

ONE..

TWO....

THREE......

FOUR........... - oh oh, now she means business!!!

Because I said so, that's why. When you get married and have kids you'll understand.

Never mind me, I'll just stay at home in the dark and listen to the radio. Have a good time.

No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer. "Hey" is for horses. If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over with. Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at all. Let me kiss it and make it better.

[your first name] [your middle name] [your last name] [many !!!!s] = Uh oh. You're in trouble!

Carrots are good for your eyes. But Popeye eats all his spinach!

Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)!

Eat all your dinner or no dessert. You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!! Go to your room and don't come out until I say so. I'm very disappointed in you.

I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight.

No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and bathing and feeding it. Kootchie coo! Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good! Electrical sockets are not for baby. That's just for looks. Don't put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH! Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug? I'm going to count to three...

Cut it out! I swear you kids are going to drive me crazy one day. That's what you're doing, isn't it? Trying to drive me crazy!

It's bea--YOO-tiful! Show Daddy! (a crayon artwork masterpiece was displayed proudly)

No, you did not wash your hands. Nevermind how I know. Now, go wash your hands. USE SOAP!

NO. If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?

God made you WITHOUT holes in your ears/a picture of Ozzy Osbourne on your arm and until you are 18, you will not have holes in your ears/a man spitting a bat's head out of his mouth on your arm.

What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)

So, is this your hero or something? (Pointing to picture of Duran Duran with friends present)

(The wash-your-face-with-spit routine. Oh, MAAAA!)

Sit up straight.

I don't care what the other kids are wearing. No child of mine is going to wear his pants backwards/a hat inside a house/ a nose ring/ a rattail/ an X shirt/ his shoelaces untied/ underwear on the outside of her clothing/ a mini skirt..

What is it, Halloween? Eat your beets. Of course you're going to church. You can do much better than "C"'s, God gave you a good brain. Stop slouching.

If you read in the dark, you'll hurt your eyes. (Untrue, but if you read a lot, you will probably be myopic! Illiterates rarely have myopia.)

Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely. Do you know what happened to all the cookies? Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes! I don't know how you can read/watch that trash. In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS! A little hard work never killed anybody. Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm! The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you! You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the teacher on him! If the teacher ever calls home again, I'll kill ya! Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten minutes. (Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.) I'll tuck you in in just a second. Stop running in the house! Did I raise you kids in a barn? Look at this mess! Pick up your room, you'd think a little pig lived here.

Kiss Auntie Bertha, she loves you. (Auntie Bertha smells and drools and doesn't know you exist.)

Hang up your clothes! Your father is a busy man. Take out the trash. What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for?? Don't get lost! Look both ways before crossing the street. Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store. Say You're sorry. Put it back. Put that down. Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail. Come here. Come here. Come here. I won't tell you again! - good! When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents. Remember, if you tell daddy, I'll have to kill you. What's for dinner? - It's a surprise! Why didn't you go before we got in the car? I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one! No, and that's final! One more word out of you kids and there'll be trouble. Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!! Cut it out right this minute. I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how. Stop bugging your little sister. What do you say? What's the magic word? Say "excuse me".

Eat your peas. There are children starving in Bosnia/China/Ethiopia/Russia/India/parts of our great country (USA)

Half begun is half done. Don't lie to me young man/lady!

Why don't you watch something educational for a change. Like Public Broadcasting on TV! Mel Torme is on tonight.

What do you mean "Elvis isn't cool"? He was cool when I was a kid! Does that mean that hula hoops aren't cool anymore either?

Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.

No daughter of mine is going to shave her legs until she's at least thirteen! (Moral: don't ask!)

That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one. Purple's not your color, you look sallow.

Now son, parkas will never go out of style. See, it matched your wide wale corduroy trousers with the flares I got you last week!

Cut your hair! You look like a hippie. No son of mine is going to walk around looking like a Yeti.

Stand up straight and stop slouching. A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone. Save a lot, spend a little. Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out. We worried sick! What will the neighbours think? What did you DO until 4 AM?" Is having a good time all you think about? You're no child of mine!!! Well...

What seems to be the problem with you? I'm really worried about your grades! I give you a simple job to do,and you can't even do it! There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you! Where did we go wrong? keep doing that and you'll go blind! "Still Crying?" Whack!!! "The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING!" Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be depressed! You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body! I'm God Almighty as far as you're concerned! (I.e. do what I say!) Nothing if you do, HELL if you don't. This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen! Bill, er John, er..

David..uh.. whats your name, get over here! Do you know how many HOURS I was in labour with you??? I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?! Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.

Whatever doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. Variation: Shovelling snow/mowing the lawn/(any other back-breaking labour) builds character!

Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities) Are you really going to wear that? I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew you'd like them. Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your clothes. You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.

When it's cold outside, don't stick your tongue to metal (I'd never thought of it before...but I was thinking of it now!!!)

It's always fun until somebody gets hurt. You kid, whatever your name is!

The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your father, I know I'm your mother.

Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out of window. Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF! I hate computers. Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that come by. You did WHAT! "Go tell your father he wants you now."

[in response to the I don't want to wash my hands....] "Okay, only wash one of them"

[In response to "where is my....?" type questions] "the uterus is not a homing device."

There'll be tears before bedtime! You'll have your eye out with that! When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!! Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? You feel bad? How do you think I feel? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Don't you know any better? Why did the kitty get run over? It was God's will. How could you be so stupid? If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. When are you going to grow up? I'm only doing this for your own good. Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. What's wrong with you? Someday you'll thank me for this. You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. Don't you have any sense at all? If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. Why? Because I said so. I hope you have a kid just like yourself. Good children always obey. Are you lying, or are you just stupid? Quit acting so childish. Boys don't cry. [as I break into a Cure tune...] If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. Why do you have to know so much? This hurts me more than it hurts you. Why? Because I'm bigger than you." [variation: "Because I'm the Dad/Mom."] Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? Oh, grow up. I'm only doing this because I love you. In my day we didn't have money to throw around.

We were so poor my sister and I had to share a pair of shoes to get to school, and half way there we traded so we could hop on the other foot.

Does it look like I'm made of money? Money doesn't grow on trees you know.

You better pull that bottom lip in,, a pigeon's gonna fly over and poop all over it, it's hanging out so far.

If you wouldn't put your hand in the way when I spank you, you wouldn't get it hit with the belt.

That's not music; that's just NOISE! "Shut your mouth and eat." (Huh??)

(Attributed to John Lennon's Mother): "The guitar is all very well, John, but you'll never make a living out of it.

"Because you are taller than me. I don't care if the POPE is doing it/going there! You're not!

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.

"What is heat?" Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on car.

Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat. "What is heat Dad?"

Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.

Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says "where is missy?"

Angela said "missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down the street."

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

- Kids: Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?

- Mother: I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy,

- Kids: Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?