Gender Jokes — most viewed jokes

Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from New York City said, "Well, I have discovered men are all alike!"

Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped the table. "Gal," she said, "men are all Ah like, too!"

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."

The Perfect Day According To:

HER

• 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
• 9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
• 9:30 Light breakfast
• 11:00 Sunbathe
• 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
• 1:45 Shopping
• 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs
• 3:00 Facial, massage, nap
• 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
• 10:00 Make love
• 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM

• 10:00 Wake up
• 10:02 Oral sex
• 10:10 Big Breakfast
• 11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
• 2:15 Enormous lunch
• 3:15 Oral sex
• 3:25 Play sports with the guys
• 4:30 Drink beer with the guys
• 6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
• 6:40 Oral sex
• 6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
• 11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
• 11:10 Sleep

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
11. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
12. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
13. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
14. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
15. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
16. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
17. You're counting down the days until menopause.
18. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
19. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Girl Lingo:

• The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
• The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
• The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
• The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
• The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
• The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
• The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
• The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
• Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.
• The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
• The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.
• The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
• The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
• Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.
• The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.
• The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

Why did the women cross the road? Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!

Women's faults are many, men have only 2: Everything they say and everything they do.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Four. Actually, only one to screw it in. The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.

A lady had a height problem - she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car... So she visited an expert. The expert said: "Go visit the Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he'll marry you. Every time a dwarf says 'no,' you grow 10 cm shorter!"

The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied: "No, no, no, no, no...! I don't want to marry a tall person like you! You're too tall! No, no, no, no, no!"