Food Jokes — most viewed jokes

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
→ Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.

- Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup.

- Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them - and sometimes with good reason. "What kind of pie do you call this?" asked one student indignantly.

- What's it taste like? asked the cook.

- Glue!

- Then it's apple pie - the plum pie tastes like soap.

Why do cows think cooks are mean?
→ They whip cream!

How do cats eat spaghetti?
→ The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

• You answer the door before people knock.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
• You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• All your kids are named "Joe".
• You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.

What bird has wings but cannot fly?
→ Roast turkey!

What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?
→ He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating a bag of chocolates. An old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won't live very long; indignantly the kid says, "Oh yeah, my grandfather lived to be 104 years old."

The old man replies, "I'm sure he did, kid, but it wasn't from eating all that chocolate."

"Oh no sir," says the kid, "it was by minding his own business!"