Farming Jokes — most viewed jokes

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah, but" stammered the farmer.

"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.

"Yes," Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?"

A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it. So he thought it would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the nearest train station. After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into the wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home.

They had traveled only two miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THATS ONE" and got back in the wagon smiled at the woman and continued on thier way.

They traveled only another two miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse "THATS TWO". He took his seat beside his new bride and continued on thier way.

After traveling another two miles the horse stumbled for the third time. The rancher got out of the wagon carrying his rifle, he walk up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes, saying "THATS THREE".

He turn to the wagon only to hear his new bride say "why in the hell did you do that for, now we have to walk".

The rancher turn to the woman and said "THATS ONE".

Where does a woodsman keep his pigs?
→ In a hog cabin!

What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
→ A clotheshorse!

Why do pigs never recover from illness?
→ Because you have to kill them before you cure them!

What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?
→ A road hog!

What do you call sheep that live together?
→ Pen friends!

What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?
→ An egg!

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
→ Udder nonsense!

What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
→ Use a cowculator!

What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
→ 'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!

What's a cows favorite vegetable?
→ A cowat!

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded "What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

You know you're in a small town.....

• when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
• if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
• if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail at you
• if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
• when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
• if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
• if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle) a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother."

Two farmers were talking at the general store. One farmer says to the other, "Did you hear about that new variety of corn called Perot corn?" The second farmer replies, "No I ain't." The first farmer says, "Yeah, it's a big yielding variety. The stalk don't grow too big, but the ears are tremendous!"

The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left towm. Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the postmaster to inquire why.

They received this short and simple explantion: "The bag ain't full yet."