Farming Jokes — most viewed jokes

Where do you take sick ponies?
→ To the horsepital!

What do you say if you see a flying pig?
→ 'I see bacon's going up'!

Who tells chicken jokes?
→ Comedihens!

What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?
→ A swine gut!

Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground?
→ To get to the other side!

What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?
→ 'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'!

Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?
→ Because eggs were going up!

What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?
→ A cloud!

What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
→ An egg-splosion!

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died.

The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female.

"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?"

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish. That's three wishes total," said the genie.

The Canadian said, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the genie's eye, POOF the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, POOF there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

George W. Bush, said, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Why did the bull rush?
→ Because it saw the cow slip!

What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
→ A battery hen!

What do you call an arctic cow?
→ An eskimoo!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
→ A brick-layer!

How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
→ Build a sty-scraper!

Why does a rooster watch TV?
→ For hentertainment!

What do you get from a drunk chicken?
→ Scotch eggs!

What do you call a crate of ducks?
→ A box of quackers!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?
→ A bird that has to wring its own neck!

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." The uncle says with a confused look "Um son we don't have a cow...

We have a bull!"

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
→ To stamp out forest fires!

Why did the pig go to the casino?
→ To play the slop machine!

What is a pigs favorite ballet?
→ Swine Lake!

What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?
→ Pooched eggs!

How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday?
→ Eat him on Saturday!

Why did the foal cough?
→ Because he was a little horse!

What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo?
→ Cock-a-doodle-don't!

What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
→ Leave it inside the cow!

Where do milkshakes come from?
→ Excited cows!