Farming Jokes — most viewed jokes

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.

"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

Some cows view each day as the last roundup, others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.

Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunity to eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner.

The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"

The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!"

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

- First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?

- Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?

A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that" "No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be the Bull".

- Camper: Look at that bunch of cows.

- Farmer: Not bunch, herd.

- Camper: Heard what?

- Farmer: Of cows.

- Camper: Sure I've heard of cows.

- Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd.

- Camper: So what? I have no secrets from cows!

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks "Were you talking to me"? The horse replies "Sure was, man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger thought to himself, "boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing in his head.

So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer "Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field". The farmer replies "Son you can't believe anything that horse says-He's never even been to Kentucky.

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
→ An udder failure!

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
→ Laughing stock.

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.

As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.

The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheep says anything about me, it's a damned lie!"