Elderly Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

• Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
• Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
• Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
• Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
• Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
• Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
• Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
• Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
• Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
• Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
• Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
• Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
• Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
• Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
• Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
• Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
• Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
• Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
• Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
• Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
• Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
• Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
• Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
• Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
• Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
• Old investors never die, they just roll over.
• Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
• Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
• Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
• Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
• Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
• Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
• Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
• Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
• Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
• Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
• Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
• Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
• Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
• Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
• Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
• Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
• Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
• Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
• Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
• Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
• Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
• Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
• Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
• Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
• Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
• Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
• Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
• Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
• Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
• Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
• Old students never die, they just get degraded.
• Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
• Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
• Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
• Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
• Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. "Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?" Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost..... I was just too tired to walk home."

OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six
OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull
OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time
OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop
OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board
OLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
OLD EDITORS do it with a red pen
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.

To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion." Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."